Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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