ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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