I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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