So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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