I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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