On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I am midnight drunk by noon
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
