The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
