Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
