Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Randomize
