1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
