ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
