Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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