my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
