You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I touched a dick in church today
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
