Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
