god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
