Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
