K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
