I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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