awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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