Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
