it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
