Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
