took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
