Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
