just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
