Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
