i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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