Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
