Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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