i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
