Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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