i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
