is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
