never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
