DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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