I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
