we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
