I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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