I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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