I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
