I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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