Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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