I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
