i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
