Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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