Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
