Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
