i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
