I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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