Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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